


To the Only Girl I've Loved

by CelesteSkyeHolmes



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Jealousy, Love, Other, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2019-07-04 02:40:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15832071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelesteSkyeHolmes/pseuds/CelesteSkyeHolmes
Summary: "If we’re meant to be together, Lara Jean, I need to know that there isn’t someone else standing in the way. I need to know that you choose me, wholeheartedly and certainly. So if you like him, say the word, and I’ll go.”The moment the words are out of Peter's mouth, he feels like he's drowning. He's never been in love before, but nothing could have prepared him for this. Because even as he's torturing himself, he wants the best for her, and promises to accept whatever she decides.OR: How Peter Kavinsky fell in love with Lara Jean Song Covey, the sequel.





	1. John Ambrose

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by P.S. I Still Love You and the Netflix adaptation, where Peter is less of a jerk. If you love Noah Centineo, I hope you'll love this.

John Ambrose McClaren was back. Peter knew because Kitty had asked him to take her out for ice cream. Kitty only ate ice cream when she was upset. And Kitty was seldom upset.

“He even brought Lara Jean flowers. Two different kinds,” she huffed.

John had been one of his childhood friends. He was also the recipient of Lara Jean’s fifth love letter. While Peter had also received one, he was hesitant about the fact that his girlfriend was reuniting with one her former crushes. Not that he wasn’t happy for her, but they hadn’t been dating long. For the first time, he felt like he had a family, and it wasn’t something he ever wanted to lose.

His parents had divorced years ago, but his father had become distant ever since he remarried. Peter had never been close to his younger brother, Owen, but Kitty felt very much like a younger sister to him. In a way, it felt as if Lara Jean’s family had welcomed him as their own. Mr. Covey sometimes came to watch his lacrosse games, and Margot would bake his favourite cake when she came home from Scotland.

And then there was Lara Jean. Bold, thoughtful, and beautiful. Her fascination for old movies such as Sixteen Candles warmed his heart because she was such a romantic. Every milestone in their relationship was celebrated. She remembered everything, and she helped him remember too, that there was life after heartbreak.

As he grew older, he knew that he would see less of his father. That he’d rather spend time with his new family. He didn’t care. As long as he had the Coveys, he would be okay.

“Peter?” Kitty asked, licking her pistachio ice cream.

He looked at the kid, who seemed sullen all of a sudden.

“Yes?” He answered.

“If you and Lara Jean break up, will you promise to still hang out with me?”

He felt a spasm in his chest, as he mustered a grin.

“Of course. Why do you ask?”

“Because I miss Josh.”

Margot, Kitty’s oldest sister, had dated Josh Sanderson for two years. After their split, Margot moved away for college. During that time, one of Lara Jean’s letters was sent to Josh. Their relationship was never the same after that. Family stuck together, so Kitty didn’t get to see much of Josh either.

“Hey,” he squeezed her hand. “I’m not going to leave you, okay? Who else is going to bring me those milkshake smoothie things every morning?”

“You mean you’re still going to drive me to school?”

“Of course. I’d miss my favourite passenger.”

She smiled, but Peter was concerned. Did she really think that him and Lara Jean weren’t going to last?

As if to answer his question, his phone buzzed. It was a notification from Instagram that John Ambrose had just posted a new picture.

 _I like myself better when I’m with you_ , it read.

In the photo was Lara Jean running across an open field.

...

I cross-write on Wattpad, so if Ao3 is ever down you can find me here: <https://www.wattpad.com/624693182-to-the-only-girl-i%27ve-loved-chapter-1-john-ambrose>


	2. The First Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter confronts Lara Jean.  
> Up Next: John Ambrose enters.

“You didn’t tell him that you have a boyfriend?” he asked. 

They were standing in front of her porch. The same place where he had once suggested that they pretend to date each other. How quickly things had changed.

Kitty had run upstairs the moment Peter dropped her off, safely avoiding Lara Jean. That didn’t mean she wouldn’t listen to their conversation though, opening her bedroom window ever so slightly. This was one of their first real fights.

“Because after seeing him for the first time in years, that’s going to be the first thing that comes to my mind, right?”

Lara Jean was amazed by the change in his character, and reflected him pensively.

_ For the first time, Peter seemed vulnerable. Not the confident jock everyone knew, but someone who seemed afraid. Someone who was afraid of losing me. His voice broke when he filled the silence between us. _

Peter ignored her consternation, continuing:

“Maybe not the first thing, but you didn’t think about telling your old crush about me?”

“It hardly seemed appropriate.”

There had been so much to talk about. Years that they missed out on, memories worth sharing. Peter had been the last thing on her mind.

“Are you afraid to be with me? Is that it?”

“What? Of course not.”

He shook his head, looking directly at her.

“Lara Jean, you went on a date with another man. Not only did you not tell me about it, but he doesn’t even know about me.”

“It wasn’t a date.”

He folded his arms, “Oh yeah? Does he know that?”

She looked away before piping, “You hang out with Gen all the time.”

Genevieve was Peter’s ex-girlfriend, and the greatest complication in their relationship. 

“That’s different,” he replied.

“How?”

“Because she knows about us. And she doesn’t post pictures like this.”

He revealed John Ambrose’s Instagram picture, and read the caption,“ _ I like myself better when I’m with you _ . Don’t act like you didn’t know what that meant, Covey.”

“I didn’t even know he put that up until I saw myself tagged. And how would I know the difference between a date and hangout? Almost all of our  _ dates _ were fake.”

“Maybe they were, but that’s no excuse for cheating.”

“I didn’t cheat on you, Peter. We didn’t do anything.”

“And how am I supposed to believe that?”

“Like I believe you don’t cheat on me when you take Gen to the mall, or text her all day.” Lara Jean paused before asking, “Wait, how did you know about John anyway?”

“Kitty told me.”

“No, I mean about the post.”

“I happen to follow him on Instagram.”

“But why?”

“Because we used to be good friends. I like to know what he’s up to.”

She eyed him suspiciously. It was a lie. He followed John because he knew Lara Jean liked him. Maybe he was a little bit jealous, but he had a right to be, didn’t he? How many boys could say that their girlfriends wrote love letters to other guys? How many of them would be cool with it?

Lara Jean shook her head, “We promised each other that we would never lie to each other. If you can’t tell me the truth, I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Lara Jean, I-”

But she had already walked inside and closed the door. He walked to his car, torn between whether to apologise or talk to John.


	3. Intervention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reunion causes Peter to confront both John and Lara Jean, as he re-evaluates their relationship.

Luckily for Peter, he didn’t need to decide. Lara Jean had announced that their childhood friends would be holding a class reunion that weekend, in the old neighbourhood treehouse. John would be there, so he decided to bring Gen. An ex for an ex. Although technically, John was more of a former almost-flame than a boyfriend, the sentiment still applied.

The blond-haired boy was the first to arrive, offering him tea and crumpets. 

“Would you like to come in?” he asked.

With such a simple gesture, most of Peter’s anger dissipated. 

Once they had seated, John delightfully asked, “What did you want to talk to me about?”

For a moment, Peter forgot, immersed by the delicacy in his mouth. 

“These are amazing,” he said.

“Thank you,” John replied, smiling. “I was never much of a baker, but these just looked too appetising not to try.”

He nodded, unsure of how to breach the topic.

“So, you and Lara Jean?” he found himself saying.

“Oh, we’re not a couple. She sent me a love letter a while back, so I went to see her about it. I’m surprised she still remembers me,” John said.

“So nothing happened between you two?”

“No, just two old friends catching up. Why do you ask? Do you like her?”

Peter turned away, “Of course I like her, she’s my girlfriend.”

Lara with the silky hair, who was always hiding behind a book. He more than liked her.

Before John could respond, Lara Jean entered, followed by a bickering Gen and Christine. Chris was Lara Jean’s best friend, and also Gen’s cousin. They did not get along. 

“Let’s get this over with,” Gen said, rolling her eyes. 

John moved closer to Peter, to make room for the girls. Gen sat beside Peter, leaving Lara Jean and Chris to take John’s side. They took turns sharing stories of their youth. John spoke of Model United Nations, and Lara Jean of school. Gen mostly talked of Peter, caressing his thigh, while everyone else shifted uncomfortably. 

“I think I’m going to go,” Chris said.

“Me too,” Lara Jean added.

Peter ran after her, leaving Gen and John alone. 

“So much for a reunion,” he sighed. 

…

“Lara Jean, wait,” Peter said. “We need to talk.”

“What is it now? Are you going to tell me you still don’t believe me?” she asked.

“No, I came to apologise.”

“For what?”

“For doubting you. I should’ve trusted you.”

“And why are you apologising now?”

They were walking towards his car, and he held out the door for her. Peter knew she would be walking home if she rejected his proposition. Begrudgingly, she sat in the front seat, waiting for his explanation.

His eyes never left the road as he spoke, “I talked to John. And yes, I know you didn’t want me to meddle. But seeing him today, seeing the way he looks at you, was something I needed to know. Maybe he always liked you. And it’s okay if you like him, I’m not going to get in the way of that. If we’re meant to be together, Lara Jean, I need to know that there isn’t someone else standing in the way. I need to know that you choose me, wholeheartedly and certainly. So if you like him, say the word, and I’ll go.”

It destroyed him to say those last few words, but he couldn’t chain her to him. She needed to make her own decisions, even if it meant being without him. John Ambrose was a good man, and every bit as worthy of Lara Jean’s love as he was. Letting her go was the last thing he wanted to do, but he knew he was doing the right thing.  

They were parked in her driveway, Peter’s eyes fixated on her as he finished his speech. 

“Well, do you like John Ambrose?”

...

Cross-listed on Wattpad for when AO3 crashes: <https://www.wattpad.com/628276162-to-the-only-girl-i%27ve-loved-chapter-3-intervention>


	4. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean makes a decision.

Lara Jean didn’t look away from Peter when he asked her if she liked John Ambrose. Nothing in her expression changed, and time simply felt immemorial. It was his turn to be on the receiving end, waiting for her.

Most of the questions people asked in their lives, Peter discovered, were those that they already knew the answers to. They either posed them to hear their suspicions be confirmed, or to be denied. Here, he obviously wanted Lara Jean to brush off the John Ambrose incident. However, he’d been in this place before, and he knew his luck was running out. 

Him and Lara Jean had pretended to date each other when she was avoiding her feelings for Josh. Even after Josh had confessed to Lara Jean that he liked her, Peter never worried much about it. He knew that she chose to be with him. With John, he wasn’t so sure. There was nothing complicating Lara Jean’s relationship with Ambrose, other than him. 

And who didn’t like John? Even Gen, who usually gossiped about everyone, had no vices against him. But rather than say any of this aloud, he allowed Lara Jean to process whatever she needed to do. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, regardless of how she felt.

Meanwhile, Lara Jean could not have been more confused. Peter didn’t ask her to stay, to be with him. He wanted her to choose. 

“So you’re just going to let me go?” she asked. “You’re not going to fight for me? I don’t understand.”

In romantic movies, she had seen that the boy always begged the girl to pick him instead of the other guy. But Peter wasn’t begging. This wasn’t like  _ The Vow _ or  _ Titanic _ , he didn’t even seem to be that afraid of losing her.

_ Does he want me to like John Ambrose? He doesn’t even seem all that jealous anymore. _ She thought.  _ Or is he trying to get back together with Gen? _

“First of all, you didn’t want me to fight for you. Just a few days ago, you didn’t even want me involved,” Peter answered grimly.

“And you had no problem getting yourself involved.”

“I just needed some answers, and you didn’t provide any.”

“I did, I told you it was nothing.”

Peter shook his head, “Maybe it was nothing to you, but not to him. Besides, I already  _ fought _ for you. With Sanderson, remember?”

“That wasn’t fighting, with Josh. We weren’t even really dating then.”

“Maybe not in the beginning, but we were after New Year’s.”

“And I had already made my decision by then.”

“Okay, so I didn’t fight for you, which brings me to my second point. Lara Jean, you watch too many movies. Do you really want two guys fighting over a girl? It’s so objectifying. I want you to choose who you love. I want all of you, and you know that. If you don’t want that from me, it’s okay. I’ll find someone else, and so will you.”

Lara Jean looked at him curiously, studying his face. Did he really find her that replaceable?

“Tell me Peter, do you love me?” she asked.

“Of course I love you.”

“Then why are you letting me go? Don’t you believe in us?”

“I’m doing this because if you don’t love me too, what else am I supposed to do?”

Love was such a strong word. John had just come back, how was she supposed to know how she felt about him? When she had written the letters, relationships had seemed so simple. You either loved someone or you didn’t. And if you didn’t, you just left. Lara Jean would learn that love came with time, that it was earned - that you worked for love.

She didn’t love Peter, she knew that. Would she ever love him? Would she love John?

Those answers would also come with time, which was something she needed to explore on her own. It was also something that would sacrifice their relationship if she discussed it with Peter. Instead, she did the next thing any girl would do, she stalled.

“I do like you,” she told Peter. “If you want an honest answer, I do. John just came back into my life, I wasn’t even thinking about becoming involved with him.”

He reached for her hand and asked, “So I have nothing to worry about?”

She simply shook her head, hoping she was right. Hoping she didn’t need to lie to him anymore.


	5. First Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean and Peter go for a romantic night out, what could go wrong?

Peter had recommended that they go on a date. While they had only  _ technically  _ been together for six weeks, he had never formally taken her out. In fact, one member of the Song-Covey family was almost certain to make an appearance any time Peter was within five metres of Lara Jean. But tonight, it would be just them.

It felt strange that this was another first that would belong to Peter, alongside many others. Slowly, he would take more of her until she became another entity attached to him. Would they become like him and Gen - inseparable? There were only two people in the world Lara Jean ever wanted to belong with, and those were her sisters. Of course that didn’t mean that she disliked being his girlfriend, but what she shared with Kitty and Margot just didn’t compare to anything else. Their mother had always told her that no matter what, she would always have her sisters. Years later, she still believed it: she couldn’t imagine a world without them.

So when Kitty rummaged through her closet and helped coordinate her outfit for the day, something that would normally irritate her, Lara Jean was grateful. Margot even texted her, inquiring after the affair. She promised to share the details, and skipped into the night.

Peter waited outside, and walked her to the car. “You look beautiful,” he said, studying her green summer dress.

His right arm brushed against her back before he opened the door for her. A sensation echoed through her body, teasing her skin.

...

The restaurant wasn’t far, but there was something magical about driving there in his car. It was here that he had met and befriended Kitty. Where he first proposed to fake date Lara Jean. Even when they didn’t agree, there was a magnetism that brought them back to this place. To its momentum. And he loved it almost as much as he loved her.

Peter had made reservations for their special occasion. He watched Lara Jean order the chicken dinner plate, and smiled. Gen was constantly worrying about gaining weight, but to see someone so unafraid of making their own decisions made his heart surge with pride.

“What?” she asked, once the waiter had left.

_ Note to self: don’t smile at her for too long _ , he thought, flustered.

“It’s just that - I love that you knew exactly what you wanted from that menu.”

_ If Gen were here, the store would’ve probably closed by the time she had both dressed up and made up her mind _ , but he knew better than to say that aloud.

Lara Jean was staring at him with that judgy face she usually wore when he had said something obscure.

“What?” he asked. Most girls would find those words at the least endearing, but not Lara Jean. When it came to her, he had no idea what he was doing.

“You love the way I order? What does that even mean?”

“That you’re quick, silly. You know how many girls I’ve seen order that fast?”

She shrugged.

“None. Even my mother won’t eat until she knows the nutrition facts, gluten content,  _ and _ the ingredients in her food.”

“It’s a strange compliment,” she replied, smiling.

“Would you rather that I told you that you looked pretty all the time? Because Lara Jean, you’re so much more than that to me.”

“Oh, how so?” 

A sly grin appeared on her face, she was testing him. If she needed to be charmed, that’s exactly what he would give her.

“Let’s see, there’s quite a few things. First, I love how much you geek out over those old romance novels.”

“ _ Pride and Prejudice _ isn’t that old!” 

“Wasn’t it written 200 years ago?”

Before she could protest, he continued, “Second, it’s adorable that you bake when you’re nervous. I mean, all I ever want to do when I’m nervous is throw a ball at myself. So I think it’s great that you can be so productive, and maybe that’s the third thing? You also have a lot of love for your family, and I’m grateful that you share that with me too.”

He probably would have continued if she had not come to sit beside him. Underneath the table, she curled her fingers around his, where no one else could see. She quietly whispered a thank you into his ear, before telling him how much she admired his emotional vulnerability.

By the end of her speech, his head had been promised to the crook of her neck. Removing himself from the intimacy felt almost like less of a sin and more of a moral quandary. Almost.

But on her side of the table, her phone flashed with a notification that shattered yet another portion of his ever-decaying heart.

**John Ambrose: To be fond of dancing is a certain step towards falling in love.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have a prompt idea you'd like to see - don't hesitate to suggest it! Much love.


	6. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter has had enough, and tries to confront Lara Jean about John. Instead, he ends up breaking his own heart.

Peter didn’t want to waste away the evening, but he found it increasingly difficult to ignore what he had seen. There were too many coincidences, too many things he felt like he didn’t know. Lara Jean was such a mystery to him, sometimes he felt like he didn’t know her at all. 

Maybe he should have walked away when Sanderson came into the picture. Instead, he’d ruined their friendship, and what did he get? A girlfriend who’d rather talk to a guy she hadn’t seen in three years, than him.

But Peter knew better than to discuss any of that in the middle of a restaurant, so he waited for dinner to finish.

The chicken had been tender, and the cheesecake had been delightful. However, afraid of saying something wrong, Peter remained reserved. He wondered if Lara Jean noticed, but he was too distracted to make an accurate deduction. While he had tried to be perfectly deferential, something in the air felt amiss. It was not until John messaged Lara Jean, he realised, that she truly smiled that evening.

“What’s so funny?” Peter asked.

“Nothing,” she shook her head.

...

They drove home from the restaurant in silence, as he tried to mask his disappointment. This date was supposed to be about them, but he had spent half of it worrying about the other man in Lara Jean’s life. After driving for fifteen minutes, unable to contain himself any longer, he parked the car near her house and turned to her.

“Lara Jean,” he whispered. 

“Yes?” she asked.

“Are you still talking to John?”

“Yes.”

Her response was poised, there was no hesitation. It almost made Peter wonder if the text he had seen was a figment of his own imagination.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.

“There wasn’t anything to tell,” she shrugged.

_ Does she not trust me? _ He pondered.

Rather, he folded his arms, “Then please explain his last words to you.”

Lara Jean studied him for a moment, before scrolling through her phone. 

“It’s a line from Pride and Prejudice,” she began. “We were discussing how to modify literary texts, and Jane Austen quotes came to mind.” 

Of course it  _ had _ to be something he didn’t understand. He’d eventually skim through the book to see what she was always rambling about, but in that moment Peter had a different concern. And it had nothing to do with Jane Austen.

“Lara Jean, why are you with me?”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Tonight, I laid out some of the reasons why I love you. So tell me, what do you admire about me?”

“I’m sorry, but where is this coming from?”

His eyes twitched, and he knew that she would not stall if John had asked her the same thing.

“It’s coming from your boyfriend, who wants to know how much he means to you. I feel like I’ve been the one doing everything on this date, and it doesn’t feel like it means a lot to you.”

“And what gave you that impression that this wasn’t special for me too?”

“The fact that one text from John made you happier than anything I did all night.”

He knew the comment sounded more bitter than he intended for it to be, but he felt betrayed. John wasn’t even dating Lara Jean, he hadn’t been talking to her long, and he already knew how to make her happy.

What he didn’t expect was silence from her. It was when she opened the car door, that he finally spoke.

“Wait, come back -”

And she did.

“Lara Jean, I just don’t think I can compete with John sometimes. Ever since he’s been back, things between us have felt different. I don’t know what’s changed and what hasn’t, all I know is that I love you and you don’t love me back.”

“Peter-”

“Just let me finish, okay? Do you like him? Because sometimes it feels like you do, and I don’t want you to be with me just because I got your letter first.”

“Peter, it’s not like that all. Can’t you just be happy for me? I spent all these years wondering what became of John Ambrose, and now I know. For the first time in my life, I’m able to confront someone I had feelings for. It’s not like Josh, where I just shut him out. And it’s not like you, where we had to pretend to be together for me to do anything about it. I need him. I need John Ambrose, exactly as he is. Can you understand that?”

But he shook his head, because it didn’t make any sense. She wanted to talk to him to confront what? How was talking to him about whatever smart books she was reading going to help her? Instead, Peter asked her if they should take a break.

“I think I need some space to think,” he said. “I just don’t understand.”

He told himself he was doing the right thing, but the moment he noticed how glassy her eyes had become, his heart began to ache.  _ Wait _ , he wanted to say.  _ I didn’t mean it _ . But timing wasn’t Peter’s strong suit. 

Instead, he watched the woman he loved walk into the night in a gorgeous green dress, muffling sighs about how she’d still never been on a real date. Tomorrow, the travesty of his own disillusionment would become clear. Kitty would lecture him on what a terrible boyfriend he had been, as he would drive her to school in silence. Chris would give him a taste of her wrath, and even Sanderson would shake his head at him. He’d feel so rotten that he’d eat lunch outside of the building, somewhere no one would find him. 

Tomorrow. But today, he would wallow in the misery that he was the first of  _ five _ boys to receive a love letter from Lara Jean.


	7. Baby, Come Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Peter and Lara Jean take some time apart, before he inevitably tries to win her back.

“And here we are again,” Kitty said, settling her bag into the back of Peter’s car.

She was alone, and it took every muscle in Peter’s body not to rush into the Covey house to search for Lara Jean. To apologise for last night, and to make things right. Instead, he asked Kitty where her sister was.

“Oh, she’ll be driving herself to school today.”

He stifled a laugh, recalling the incident when Lara Jean almost ran him over in a parking lot. Instead, he disguised his disappointment with, “Well I’m glad you’re here.”

“Please, I’m only here for my safety,” she mused with perfect sarcasm and disdain.

The rest of the ride consisted of Kitty’s advice to Peter, informing him that if he didn’t go after the woman he loved, John Ambrose would.

…

Lara Jean’s day wasn’t any different.

Not long after she drove with Chris into their high school parking lot, did a new sort of attention attract to her. She felt watched, like when you knew that something sinister had entangled you into its web. A rumour was amiss, and it was only when poor Lucas came to her aid that she received any answers.

“They’re staring because they know Kavinsky broke up with you,” he whispered.

“Peter didn’t dump me,” she told him. “Besides, where’d you hear that from?”

Her friend shrugged his shoulders, as the bell rang.

...

The rest of the day felt different, a life Lara Jean almost forgot existed, ever since Peter. Her classes seemed more engaging, and even Josh sat next to her at lunch.

Things felt normal, almost too normal.

“How’s your essay on _Pride and Prejudice_ coming along?” he asked, observing the novel in her hand.

“It’s going well,” she replied. “I can’t believe I almost forgot to mention Mr. Wickham though. Every time I read it, I feel like I find something that I didn’t see before.”

Josh smiled, “I agree, I think that’s the whole point. Did you include Mr. Wickham’s relationship to Georgiana?”

That was how she spent an hour falling deeper in love with a book that had already transfixed her life. Exhilarated by the stimulating company, Josh inspired her to finish her essay. Peter would’ve rolled his eyes at her, and called her a nerd, but Lara Jean missed her best friend. There was an entire life she had left behind to date Peter, and that included being able to do what she wanted. While it didn’t compare to captivity, or any sort of coercion, joining his lacrosse team community had taken up much of her schedule and social life. Being reunited with old friends gave her a thrill, and it was somewhere that she knew she didn’t need to be anyone but herself.

Speaking of which, it was at that moment that her phone buzzed.

**John Ambrose: How are you doing? I heard about you and Kavinsky.**

_John Ambrose knows?_ she pondered. _News certainly flies fast._ Although her and Peter weren’t exactly broken up, it was beginning to feel more like they had.

 **Gen told me** , he wrote, reading her mind.

Had she dated anyone but Peter, her relationship status would have been much more confidential. Sighing, she texted him that she hardly knew herself. Everything had happened so quickly. Date night had been amazing until Peter started asking about John. Couldn’t she talk to one boy without someone suspecting that she liked him?

The love letters had been sporadic, but feelings changed. Her crush on Josh, that had once been so intense, now felt like an image of the past. She couldn’t even remember what it was that she liked about Lucas or Kenny. And then there was John.

Peter kept insinuating that she felt something for him, but how was she supposed to put a label on something she hadn’t thought about in years?

All she knew was that John greeted her with ice cream that afternoon, as they both volunteered at a retirement home together.

...  

Being single was not something Peter Kavinsky felt comfortable with. When he felt something, it was in his instinct to act upon it. When he liked a girl, he let her know. So taking a break from Lara Jean was the dumbest decision he would make that week. Or so he thought.

He rang the Covey doorbell, only to be greeted by Lara Jean’s father.

“Peter, hey!” he cried. “I haven’t seen you around here for a while.”

“Well, Lara Jean and I kind of broke up, sir,” he mustered.

Daniel Covey studied him closely, unsure of how to react. _But why hadn’t Lara Jean told him about the news?_

“That would explain things,” Mr. Covey hesitated. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

The men stood in the door awkwardly, until Peter finally spoke:

“I was actually hoping I could talk to Lara Jean. I messed up, and it’s the least I owe her.”

Mr. Covey nodded, as Peter trailed behind him to Lara Jean’s room.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” he said, before closing the door.

…

“Peter, what are you doing here?” Lara Jean asked.

He felt disappointed. While he hadn’t expected her to embrace him with open arms, he wished she would at least acknowledge him as someone she knew. Even in the sanctity of her room, a place so sacred and so very Lara Jean, he felt like a stranger.

“Lara Jean,” he began. “I can’t do this.”

She huffed, flopping onto her bed. “Then what can you do? Because you couldn’t handle me talking to John, or Josh, or practically any other guy.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just not used to this.”

“Not used to what?”

“Not being the man in your life.”

She squinted at him, sitting upright. “I don’t understand.”

He sat beside her on the bed, “All my life, I’ve always been the guy every girl wanted to be with. It became part of who I was. But when we were together, it wasn’t like that. There were so many other people.”

“And that’s supposed to be a problem?” she asked.

“No, it’s just different. I wonder if I’m good enough for you sometimes. You have all these people to make you happy, I don’t. All I have is you, Lara Jean.”

This was the part where most girls would fling their arms around him. He could write a thousand romantic comedies, and people would swoon over each one. But none of those people were Lara Jean.

“So you just want me to -” her voice broke. “To just stop talking to the people in my life? To give up everything for you? I don’t know if you know this Peter, but being your girlfriend isn’t easy either. Going to all your lacrosse games, having to please all your friends. Being around Gen all the time. Do you think I enjoy that?”

“I-”

“These past few days, I got to see exactly what I haven’t been able to do since we started dating. Josh and I made our peace, and he even helped me finish my essay - in one hour!”

She started laughing, before her tone become serious again.

“John and I started working at an old home together, and I’ve been able to make a real difference in the world. Not the kind you hear about in those motivational speeches, but an _actual_ change. I volunteer to make people happy, and I love it. And I haven’t even thought about Gen. Other than when I found out that she told everyone that we broke up, of course.”

Peter didn’t know what to say. Part of him was curious as to how she managed to do so much in only a few days, and he was proud of her. Another part of him felt rotten for taking her away from these opportunities. And then there was the last sentence.

“Gen did what?” he croaked.

“Don’t act so surprised, it’s not the first time she’s sabotaged me.”

Except Peter didn’t tell Gen about his troubles with Lara Jean. In fact, he had barely spoken to anyone lately, outside of his teammates and family.

The world around him began to blur, as his head landed softly in Lara Jean’s lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please give this a kudos if you enjoyed it, and let me know what you think! Requests are always welcome and encouraged - for I warn you of the hearts that are to break in the upcoming chapters.


	8. Tell Me Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter wakes up, only to find that the world he fell asleep to is no longer the same.

_ A picnic by the beach, polaroid pictures of the two of them, their evening had been perfect. It was intimate, but also aesthetic enough for her next Instagram story. When the handsome gentlemen drove her home, however, she recognised a black Audi to their left. _

_ Oh the perks of taking the same route every day. _

_ “Can you pull over for a minute?” she asked. “I just need to check something.” _

_ As she stepped outside, she noticed two figures were talking inside the car. One soon left, and she distinctly heard a female voice complain about her date.  _

_ She suppressed a smile, returning to her seat. _

_ Peter Kavinsky had broken up with Lara Jean Covey. _

...

He felt a tap on his shoulder, and it took him a moment to remember that he was still in Lara Jean’s house. In her room. And in her lap.

“Peter, wake up,” she urged.

When he opened his eyes, he found Lara Jean staring at him. Her brown eyes narrowed, and she became very still. This was the closest they had been all week. He lifted his head from her legs, still hovering near her body.

“What happened?” he asked, still dazed.

“You fell asleep.”

“And?”

“It’s the middle of the day.”

She pulled away, and the events of that afternoon began to dawn on him.

Even amidst his exhaustion, the rejection was clear. Peter sat upright, as she stood up from the bed. He struggled to explain his week to her, one that seemed so dull compared to her accomplishments. While Peter had not been spending time with Lara Jean, he had been preparing for his lacrosse tournament. Every morning, he would wake up at 6 am for practice. When he wasn’t working out, he was trying a yoga routine his coach had been bugging him about for months. It hadn’t been long, but he was determined to put his free time to good use. But none of it could make him forget about Lara Jean.

_ Maybe I should apologise again _ , he considered.

Before he could form another sentence, Lara Jean spoke up.

“Do you know how frustrating this is? I tell you about what Gen does, and you don’t just defend her, but you fall asleep on me!”

_ Of course she was upset. _ He didn’t understand how Gen fit into the equation, but Lara Jean had rules. _ Like not sleeping on her bed. Dumb Peter. _

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ve been up all morning for practice…”

Lara Jean rolled her eyes, reaching for a book on her desk. “I’m not interested in your excuses.  _ You  _ were the one who wanted to end things. And then your girlfriend told the whole school. And I’m just tired of playing this sick game between the two of you.”

“Lara Jean, it’s not like that.”

“Oh really? Then explain why you spend your every second with her.”

“I don’t - I haven’t talked to anyone lately but the guys from the team, Owen, and my mother.”

This was the truth. He’d barely had time to do his class assignments, he had been busy too.

“Then who told Gen about us?” she asked.

“I don’t know.”

Peter never cared for rumours, they didn’t affect him. Why was she so upset about them?

“Then what are you still doing here? We’re not dating anymore,” Lara Jean said.

Maybe he hadn’t explained their situation to Mr. Covey well, but they had taken a break. That didn’t mean they were broken up.

“We didn’t break up,” he insisted.

“We’re not together!”

“Lara Jean, I asked for some space. I wasn’t breaking up with you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I took some space because I didn’t understand things between you and John, but I do now. And I get that I was a jerk about it, but I’m here now. Please, just let me be here with you.”

His voice was soft, but this had no effect on her.

“How was I supposed to know any of that? I’ve never done this before.”

“I thought you knew.”

She glared at him, and he continued. “I only came back because I missed you.”

“A week is a long time for you to only come back now.”

“What are you saying?”

“I think we need to let this go.”

_ We’re really over? _ Peter’s heart began to feel heavy, as Lara Jean explained her story. Of course she was right, but the callous nature of his actions only worsened the calamity of it all.

…

“Seven days, Peter. I went seven days without hearing anything from you. I had no idea what was going on. You can’t just come back here and expect me to give up everything for you.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do,” he said. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“But why didn’t you?”

“Because I was scared of hurting you.”

No matter how endearing his last sentence was, it did not change his absence in her life. 

“Peter,” she found herself saying. “All relationships are about communication. You disappeared from my life, and you weren’t there for me. That, would be hurting me. John, Josh, Margot, Kitty, and my father, they’ve all supported me. But when you have problems, you just me shut out. What do you expect me to do?”

“I’m sorry, I’ve just had a lot on my mind.”

“And I can’t help you with any of that unless you tell me what you need. I didn’t hear from you for seven days, so I assumed we were done.”

There was silence before he met her eyes, “It was the letters.”

“What?”

“You know how weird it is to watch other guys get love letters from you?”

“I didn’t send them,” she said.

“It doesn’t matter, because you wrote them. And they read them. And it  _ meant  _ something.”

“And you meant something to me too.”

“Do I still mean something to you?” he asked.

Peter Kavinsky, the first boy she had ever kissed. The first boy she had dated.

“Of course you do,” Lara Jean nodded. “You were my first. But that doesn’t change what you did, Peter. And we can never take that back.”

He walked towards the door, and turned to face her one last time.

“I wish I could take it back, Lara Jean. If there’s anything I can do, just say it.”

She shook her head, “I’m so sorry, Peter.”

The door behind him closed softly, as they carried the weight of their mistakes in their hearts. Peter now grappled with all the things Lara Jean had already registered when he was gone. 

While it wasn’t easy to watch him leave, he’d already done it before. Unbeknownst to Lara Jean, it was Peter who would stay up that night, imagining all the things he should have done. And he would worry that the regret that brimmed in his chest would never subside. And despite her oblivion, she would be the first girl to break Peter’s heart.

But that was not what Lara Jean feared, for tomorrow she would break the news to her family. Just as Margot had done, she too would cause Kitty great distress. Another man would leave their house, and it would feel smaller again.

Tomorrow would be the beginning of something strange, something new, and something that she hoped would eventually be wonderful too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear angels, thank you for reading! This chapter has been long awaited, but I hope it doesn't break your heart too much. There's a lot of wholesome content to come. In the meantime, please let me know what you think!


	9. A New Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life without Peter, for real this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of this story has been narrated by Peter, but I have provided other perspectives here - to provide a more central view. Many of you were frustrated with Lara Jean's behaviour, and I hope this answers some of your questions. Enjoy!

“This is what you get for not listening to me.”

Peter sighed, as Kitty crossed her arms.

“Just get in the car,” he instructed.

“Tempting, but maybe another time,” she shrugged.

“But I bought Yokult for you,” he insisted.

The teenager turned her head from Peter to her driveway, where Lara Jean was getting into the family car.

“I can’t betray my sister,” she said. “Next time, try sticking around after telling a girl that you love her.”

She hopped away from him, leaving Peter to reflect on his consequences. Lara Jean didn’t as much as look his way, and with a heavy heart, he drove away from the Covey house.

The drive was quiet. He had taken a break from listening to music. Nothing on the radio appealed to him anyway, it was full of love songs that he could no longer relate to. How lonely it was to love alone, and in secret. 

Instead, he found himself in the school library. He fumbled around the catalogues, until the librarian approached him.

“Can I help you?” he asked.

Peter scratched his neck, avoiding the man’s gaze. “I’m looking for Pride and Prejudice.”

The man in his twenties smiled, “Right this way.”

…

“Kavinsky’s head over heels for you,” Lucas mused at lunch.

I shook my head, “And yet he had no problem ignoring me for an entire week.”

“I’m not going to lie and pretend that was right, but you’ll never guess what I saw this morning.”

“What?” Josh asked, joining them at the bleachers.

It was nice eating outdoors, where we could talk without anyone else prying. Chris was tardy as usual, but she usually knew too much for her own good anyway.

“He checked out that book you love this morning,” she chimed.

“How would you know?” I inquired. “You don’t even read.”

“I don’t,” Chris agreed. “But the librarian is a total hottie.”

We all laughed at her taste in older men.

“It still doesn’t change what he did,” I said. 

“So homeboy made a mistake,” Lucas interrupted. “Can’t you forgive him?”

_ What everyone seemed to forget is that it wasn’t about forgiveness. Time could change everything, and that’s exactly what space did. I wanted to spend my life with people that I knew thought of me, every day, even when I wasn’t there. Peter didn’t have a problem forgetting, and he moved on easily. He was with Gen for so long, and within a few weeks he told me that he loved me. I don’t think love works that way, I think you really need to know someone to love them. It’s accepting someone after discovering who they really are. At least that’s what I’ve always seen - between Margot and Josh, my parents before my mother died, and between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet. _

_ My love letters weren’t really love letters at all. I think the only boy I had ever really known was Josh, and I don’t know if I could still say that I loved him. It’s confusing, but whatever Peter and I had definitely hadn’t been as powerful as love.  _

_ Peter didn’t really accept me either. He’d laugh at the things I loved, and always wanted me to change to become more like him. I didn’t enjoy the parties he took me to, or hearing about Gen all the time. Maybe we were just too different to truly understand each other. _

_ And then I looked at how different my week without him had been. I felt like a different person, because Peter’s Lara Jean didn’t really feel like me. That was the most important thing - I just wanted to be me, so I told them. _

“It’s not that simple,” I hesitated. “Being with Peter felt like being married into the school gossip. I had to guard myself with all these masks, but no matter what I did, I was judged for it anyway. I missed being invisible, and just being me.”

“You were never invisible,” Josh laughed, brushing my upper arm. “But I think I understand what you mean. I found it strange at first when Kitty told me that you were dating him. Peter’s lifestyle is very different, and his friends can be very superficial. You deserve better.”

I thanked Josh, but Chris frowned. “I think you gave Gen what she deserved, don’t let her win now.”

“This isn’t about Gen,” Lucas urged. “It’s about Lara Jean, who we all support.”

We continued to talk about other subjects, and laughed until the bell rang for our next classes. I felt free, and was surprised by how quickly the day had ended. What I did not expect was everything that was to come.

…

John Ambrose McClaren stood in front of her car, gleaming.

“How-”

He didn’t let her finish this time, and explained, “It doesn’t matter. Josh told me about what happened, and I think I might just know something that will cheer you up.”

Much to Kitty’s amusement, he insisted on driving. Her reservations for him had diminished once she had seen how deeply he cared for her sister. Peter’s absence brought the return of Josh and John, who were both popular with the Song-Covey family. Their manners were pleasing, and they were well-liked by everyone.

However, that was not to say that things did not feel different. While Peter liked to make jokes in the car, John preferred to listen to indie music. At Kitty’s request, he serenaded them to some Bon Iver that played in the background. No one could deny that his voice was gifted.

John shyed from their compliments, diverting the attention away from himself.

“Ladies, I believe we’ve arrived at your destination,” he announced, as their home was in the clearance. 

“Is that my surprise?” Lara Jean asked, clearly disappointed.

“No,” he assured her. “But Kitty definitely needs to eat.”

Mr. Covey had prepared some kimchi overnight, which Kitty immediately retrieved from the refrigerator. Lara Jean pulled out the plates, offering some to John, which he eagerly tried.

“This is delicious,” he said, finishing his first bite.

“You say that about everything!” Kitty exclaimed.

“That’s because it’s always true.”

Their father entered the kitchen, and welcomed the girls. While his shift began early in the morning, it also finished early, which let him spend more time with his daughters.

His gaze fell upon their visitor, and he grinned. “John, it’s good to see you.”

“Thank you, Dr. Covey. How are you?”

“Good, but I would be doing even better if you called me Dan.”

“Yes Dr. - sorry. Dan, I was wondering if it would be alright if I took your daughter somewhere special?”

“As long as you have her home before seven. It’s still a school night, and I know Lara Jean must have plenty of homework to do.”

“Thank you, we won’t be long.”

Kitty and Dan turned to each other once Lara Jean had left, and shared a look.

“That boy is really something,” her father noted.

Kitty agreed, “I’m really starting to like him.”

“Starting to?”

She dashed into the washroom to avoid his question.

While Lara Jean wasn’t dating John, they knew that it was no coincidence that Peter’s absence had brought so much harmony to their home. Josh had returned, and John’s quiet footsteps were a welcome addition to the Covey-Song-Sanderson clan.

So much had changed within the span of a few weeks, but they knew Margot would love every moment of it.

…

“So where are you taking me?” Lara Jean asked.

“You’ll see,” John smiled.

She watched the blossoming spring flowers, while John hummed along to  _ Here I Am _ , by The Boxer Rebellion. Echoes reverberated through the car, tickling her skin. It was a song she had never heard before. His music taste was different from hers, but the lyrics caused her to ponder about his return.

_ I lost you once, I won’t lose you again _ , the lead sang.

“John, why did you come back?” she asked.

He waited for the melody to pass before responding resolutely, “Don’t you see, Lara Jean? Your letters brought us all to you: Peter, Josh, and Lucas.”

“But you moved.”

“My grandmother is here, so in spirit, I’ve never really left. Besides, I needed to know if your letter meant anything.”

_ His face was serious, focused - I almost thought I had imagined what he said. Once I had forgotten the letter, forgotten John, he came to me. What were the chances of that?  _

“Of course I found out later that you were dating Kavinsky, and that it was all a mistake,” he continued. “Not that either of us are to blame, but I don’t believe in coincidences. Meeting you after all this time reminded me about what it felt like to move away. About who I lost. There were times I wondered what you would be doing, and I want to be in your life.”

**_I want to be in your life_ ** _ , those were probably among the kindest words anyone had ever said to me. Before I could respond, he parked the car and guided me into a small, brick building. _

They walked down a narrow hallway until John suddenly covered her eyes.

“Why do I feel like I’m being kidnapped?” she complained.

“It’ll be worth it,” he teased. “Just trust me.”

She heard a door close behind them, and he asked to remove her footwear. 

“It’s that or we sanitise them,” he urged. “Although judging by the state of these, that could take some time.”

Margot would be disappointed by the condition of her shoes, but the weather had been unpredictable lately. Not that it would stop Lara Jean from spending lunch outside.

Eventually she relented, feeling John’s nimble fingers unlace her combat boots. It was strange having someone other than Margot fuss over her, but the circumstances seemed abnormal enough already. Much to his credit, he swiftly finished the deed and cleaned his hands. They walked into the next room in their socks. 

The situation escalated once Lara Jean felt something moving at her feet. She opened her mouth to shriek, but John silenced here.

“You can open your eyes now,” he said, removing his hands from her face.

There was a litter of kittens surrounding them, as the supervisor welcomed them to the cat shelter. “We ask you to keep the premises clean at all times, as the prenatal kittens have not been vaccinated yet.”

This explained the bizarre rules, and Lara Jean breathed a sigh of relief. While the volunteering tasks included cleaning after the little ones, she didn’t seem to mind once a grey tabby had fallen asleep in her lap.

She turned to John and whispered, “Thank you.”

Together, they pet the napping kitten and played with his little friends. She would add this to her birthday wish later that day, overwhelmed by the happiness that the kittens had brought her. And John, of course.

Many things would be left unsaid that day, filled with gratitude that she could not yet express. Fortunately, others would not be as silent.

…

Between school and volunteering with John, Lara Jean had anticipated telling Margot about Peter most. Her sister’s reaction was unpredictable, and she rehearsed her words while the video call buffered.

Closing her eyes, she stuttered, “Hey Margot, how are you? How am I? I’m good - I think. Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, Peter and I kind of, well, we broke up. I hope you’re not mad, because I know you liked him. Or at least I think you did. Kitty definitely did, and so-”

“No, it’s okay.” 

She opened her eyes, and noticed Margot waving at her through her laptop screen. Her dark, long hair was sleek, worn in a bun. For some reason, she did not seem upset. Rather, her smile was inviting.

“How much of that did you hear?” Lara Jean asked.

“All of it,” her sister replied confidently. “Good wifi is a blessing.”

Lara Jean groaned, as Margot continued, “I never really liked Peter anyway.”

“Gogo!”

“He just didn’t seem like your type.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well Lara Jean, you like good boys. You’re like me, and I know that if I didn’t like a boy, you wouldn’t like him either.” 

“I can’t like all of your boyfriends,” she muttered. “Josh was enough.”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Margot laughed. “I should’ve let you date Josh. That thing with Peter, it wasn’t going to last anyway.”

“What do you mean?”

“Josh never hurt me, or any of us. He’s always been there. Peter was different, he wasn’t afraid to be selfish.”

“How come you never said anything?” Lara Jean asked.

“Because you really seemed to like him. And your feelings for him became real. It’s important to fight for what you feel.”

“Even if it doesn’t last?”

“Yes, even then.”

There was a moment where both of them paused, before Margot pointed something out.

“You seem to be holding up really well.”

“Everyone’s been saying that, but you know the truth? I feel like Peter and I had been done for a while. He was really jealous about Josh, and then about John. Part of me saw it coming, and I think I just accepted it.”

“And you’ve already moved on.”

“Excuse me?”

“Tell me more about John Ambrose,” she winked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and please let me know your thoughts! Your feedback has the potential to change the plot, so feel free to vent, ask questions, and share your opinions. I love you all tremendously. ❤
> 
> Up Next: Oh boy...


	10. Wherever You Will Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Kitty is as done as all of you, and sets a Covinsky plan to bring Lara Jean and Peter back together.

If anyone other than Margot had noticed the sudden emergence of John Ambrose in their lives, they did not mention it to Lara Jean. Rather, Kitty did the opposite. Much like Peter, she waited one week for the dust to settle, before sending her father on a scavenger hunt across the city. She smiled as their doorbell rang. 

“Kitty, can you get the door?” Lara Jean exclaimed from upstairs.

“Gladly,” she smirked. 

In the doorway was none other than Peter Kavinsky. 

“I brought flowers,” he started, before Kitty held a finger to his lips. 

“If you want this to work out,” she whispered into his ear, “then you better do exactly as I say.”

Peter nodded, timidly hiding flowers and a book behind him. She lead him into the living room, and hollered for Lara Jean to come downstairs.

Hasty footsteps echoed from the stairwell, before abruptly stopping the moment her eyes set on Peter.

“What are you doing here?” Lara Jean asked, her eyes shifting from Kitty to Peter. Both of them appeared to be cozy on the couch, and had she not known better, she would have assumed that they were conspiring together.

“I thought you wanted to see me-” Peter stammered.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She turned to Kitty, “Did you know about this?”

Kitty tittered, before responding in a serious tone, “Lara Jean, sit down.”

“Whose side are you even on?” she asked her sister.

“Yours. We’re all on your side,” she piped, eyeing Peter.

Wordlessly, Lara Jean sat alongside her.

...

“I brought you flowers,” Peter began, breaking the silence.

He presented me with a bouquet of flowers, which I tried to rebuff until Kitty kicked my foot.

“Thank you,” I muttered, scrambling to find a vase for them.

“I was reading Pride and Prejudice,” Peter continued. “And I think it taught me a lot about you.”

“Oh really? Like what?”

I turned around from the kitchen counter to face him, folding my arms.

“You love that Mr. Darcy guy, right? Well Lizzie only really starts to like him once she realises who he is. Even after she rejects him, he’s kind. After she sees what he’s willing to do for her, she agrees to marry him. And all I kept thinking about when I was reading was that I didn’t show you what you meant to me.”

“Peter, please don’t-”

He raced towards me, pleading, “Please just let me finish.”

His brown eyes were soft, as they searched my own for an answer. We weren’t touching, but the space between us felt tangible. Like I could reach out and claim him forever. 

_ Peter, the first boy to be my anything, wanted to be the last boy. It would be just us, caught in a web of heartbreak and love. Would it always be just this? _

Afraid to trespass our threshold, I stepped away from him. 

“Fine, whatever,” I shrugged, propping onto the sofa.

“Actions mean more than words,” Peter repeated to himself. Aloud he said, “I wasn’t romantic enough for you.”

“Look Peter, I appreciate the gesture. Thank you for reading my favourite book, but that’s not why we broke up. If you remember, you wanted a break because you thought I was in love with John.”

“Oh, this is good! I’m going to make some popcorn!” Kitty shrieked.

With Kitty in the kitchen, the space between Peter and I enclosed again. I watched him sigh, as he apologised.

“Are you really sorry?” I heard myself say. “Because you still talk to Gen, and you dated her for four years. I’ll admit I was a little apprehensive about her in the beginning, but I didn’t stop you from talking to her.”

“I mean it. But why do you keep bringing up Gen, if you’re not jealous?”

“Because she keeps messing around with my life. She keeps spreading rumours about me, and you never do anything about it.”

“What do you expect me to do?”

“Stand up for me, like a real boyfriend would.”

This silences him. Part of me thinks it’s because he hasn’t seen this side of me yet, where I stand up for myself. Or maybe this is his first realisation that he wasn’t the perfect boyfriend. Either way, he stares at me with amusement, coaxing me to explain.

“Mr. Darcy refused to let people belittle Elizabeth,” I muse. “Caroline and Lady Catherine de Bourgh despised the Bennets, but he wouldn’t hear one word of it. And yet you can’t even dispel one rumour about us.” 

He brushed his hand through his hair, combing a stray hair into place before turning to me seriously. I shook my head, knowing that I would never come before his looks.

“I should’ve done more,” he said. “But for the record, I would never cheat on you.”

“I know,” I say. “Nor would I.”

There’s a moment that passes between us, where time blurs. His feeble hands find their way into mine, and I can’t tell if Kitty’s still watching us. Somehow, the next few words are wholly his, as he asks me:

_ “If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed…” _

And just like that, I can’t tell where the Peter ends and Mr. Darcy begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued...
> 
> Thank you for reading! As always, please let me know your thoughts, expectations, requests, etc. It's your love that keeps this story going.


	11. Don’t Believe Everything Happiness Says

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Experience is everything, they say. Oh how I wish it was, because it would mean I had learnt something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Growing up meant learning lessons the hard way.

I felt her small hands move, perching over my chest. The rest of her body hovered over me, and for a moment I smiled. My heart raced, realising we had never been this close. I never felt like I had all of her, wholly and completely. _Maybe Lara Jean still wants me,_ I thought.

But then I remembered what I had just done.

“Please tell me you’re not just doing this because I quoted Mr. Darcy,” I said.

There was a hesitation in her fingers, which tapped against my chest. Her lips quivered, and I knew my answer. I lifted her hands away from me, bowing my head to avoid eye contact.

“You’re looking for a fantasy,” I whispered, so I wouldn’t break Kitty’s heart. “You don’t want me, you want Mr. Darcy. And we both know he doesn’t exist.”

“Peter, that’s not why-”

“Then tell me,” I breathed into her left ear. “What don’t I have? Why is nothing ever enough for you?”

“I just don’t think we’re right for each other,” Lara Jean cried. A tear landed on my forearm, and I dared myself to look at her.

There was a redness around her cheeks that I had never seen. But I had also never seen her cry before, in the light. In front of me. Suddenly she seemed afraid, and I felt guilty for not giving her enough credit. This wasn’t easy for her either. It was her first time with this. I was her first.

“You don’t like the same books as me,” she continued. “Which is fine, except you don’t read at all. And then you get bored when I talk about books…”

_So this was all about books?_

She caught my gaze and softly added, “That’s not all, Kavinsky.”

I knew the words before they left her mouth. It was because we had nothing in common.

“Sometimes I feel like we’re from two different worlds,” she said. “And then when I see you with Gen - and it’s like you two just understand each other. And I feel like I’m keeping you from something.”

“Like what? What are you keeping me from?” I asked. _What was it that she saw with me and Gen? Why did it always come back to Gen?_

“I don’t know. But we never seem as happy as Margot and Josh were. Or you and Gen.”

“But Margot and Josh broke up. So did Gen and I. Besides, I was happy with you,” I insisted. “You can’t compare happiness, but I was happy with you, Lara Jean.”

“I wasn’t,” she barely let out.

_Did I make her miserable?_

“What do you mean?” I asked. “You weren’t happy with me?”

“I wasn’t ever _as_ happy as you. Maybe that’s just because of Margot and Kitty, but they feel like home to me. No one else compares.”

_I tried to listen to her, but something just didn’t add up. Sure Lara Jean was reserved, but I could make her laugh. And smile. Had she been holding back?_

“You didn’t let me make you happy,” I contested. “If you think you can only be happy with Margot and Kitty, you’re wrong. What about Josh? And John? You let them in - why couldn’t you let me in too? You never gave me a chance.”

“I did Peter, it just wasn’t the same. It didn’t feel right.”

“What was so wrong?”

“Nothing, it just wasn’t meant to be.”

I always hated those words. _Meant to be._ What was it even supposed to mean? That we could only love one person?

“You don’t get to decide what’s meant for me,” I huffed. “Gen and I broke up, and we had our reasons. So did your sister and Josh. People break up sometimes because they have problems. You just won’t tell me what ours were.”

“I did,” she glowered. “This right here, is why we broke up. We don’t understand each other. It’s like we speak two different languages, but there’s no coherence. There’s no communication. And even though I don’t know a lot about relationships, I know that much. This is never a good thing.”

As upset as I was, she was right. We couldn’t even understand what we were arguing about, we just knew that something was broken. Maybe it had always been there, but we hadn’t looked at it hard enough.

In that moment, I realised that experience wasn’t everything. Because if it was, it would've meant that I'd learnt something. And I had never felt so inadequate.

So instead I nodded, and thanked Kitty for trying. Then I walked to the door.

I could’ve let her kiss me, but I’d always be reminded that it wasn’t me who she wanted. Maybe it was never me. Maybe I didn’t need to know. Sanderson and I would talk, and Kitty would have the rest of my answers. Lara Jean only left me with painful questions, and I wanted nothing more than to leave love behind. To give it up. Lacrosse was more than enough, it always had been. But Gen had never been this emotional, and I was confused again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and please do let me know what you think! I'm sure this leaves you with some questions, and I'd like to give you some closure before I dive into new territory.


	12. Holding Onto You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean feels uneasy about Peter, and finds clarity when confiding in an old friend. Of course that doesn't go according to plan either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! Sorry for the delay, life has been (and still is) quite hectic. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and please let me know your thoughts! All your comments, kudos, bookmarks, and subscriptions keep this project going - so thank you for your continuous support. ❤

There was something that changed this time Peter left.

It wasn’t Kitty’s grimace, as she shook her head at Lara Jean. It wasn’t how everyone watched her and Chris stroll through the school hallways the next day. It wasn’t even that he’d kept his distance.

But the image of Peter taking one last look at her, before leaving, had imprinted her mind. His parted lips, raised eyebrows, and studious eyes didn’t look like the boy she had remembered. There was something different about him, that she had failed to notice. She had been too busy criticising him, trying to rationalise all the reasons that they couldn’t be together that she had forgotten why they had been together in the first place.

Fake dating Peter had been a scheme to push away all her feelings for Josh, but there was something about seeing him every day that had made it impossible to stay away. People were difficult not to like once you knew them. Especially Peter.

There had been many difficult goodbyes in her young life. First with her mother, then her adopted kitten, her friendship with Gen, John Ambrose moving away, losing Margot and Josh for a while…and many others. Maybe that’s why being without Peter didn’t feel all that strange. After all, she had always been the one who stayed, watching the calamity from the focus point. Being the one left behind, while the others moved on with their lives. This time, she chose for herself.

_ The more people that you let into your life, the more that can just walk right out. _

That’s what she had told Peter once, when he asked her why she was so afraid of letting people into her life. It made her wonder about how close she’d let him get to her.

Only Chris, her family, and Josh really knew her. Peter had complained about that, but those were the only people she could trust - she just didn’t feel the need to make new friends. John too, was just an extension of someone she already knew, he wasn’t an exception to the rule.

“Hey, how’s the book coming along?”, a voice interrupted, knocking on her window.

Lara Jean, perhaps for the first time in her life, had forgotten about the novel in her hands. Startled, she found Josh smiling at her as she opened the car doors, and he sat beside her in the front passenger seat.

Classes had ended twenty minutes ago, and Josh had been insistent on teaching her how to drive. This would be their first lesson, as they waited for Kitty to arrive.

“Lara Jean?” Josh asked again. 

“Sorry,” she shook her head. “I’m just nervous.”

“And a little distracted, I can see.”

He patted her right hand, like he had done many times before. “Take a deep breath. I want you to remember that I’m right here, whenever you’re ready.”

She nodded, following his orders. “Let’s do this.”

…

It wasn’t until Lara Jean checked her mirrors for the fourteenth time, that she noticed Kitty watching her from outside. 

“Get in,” she scolded her younger sister. “I don’t want to hear a word.”

Josh turned around to wink at Kitty when Lara Jean wasn’t looking. They were too familiar with the impossible task of trying to convince Lara Jean to try something new. Successes were few and far between.

Not long after, they arrived at the Covey residence. Kitty scurried into the home, while Lara Jean stayed in the car with Josh. 

“Are you feeling okay?” he asked her. “You seemed a bit off today.”

“No, actually. I was wondering if we could talk.”

“Of course. What’s wrong?”

He waited patiently, concern growing in his eyes as he tapped his fingers against the dashboard of the car.

“Please don’t panic,” she started.

“I wasn’t going to, but now it definitely seems like something’s wrong,” he joked, laughing nervously.

“Well...that depends on your definition of  _ wrong _ .”

She noticed her rising inflection, and began to inwardly rebuke herself. So much of her life was in the constant peril of embarrassment. It was suffocating.

“What?” Josh croaked.

“I know everything with Peter had been so inconsistent, but Josh-”

“Yes?”

“Do you think there still might be a possible chance that you like me?”

Josh was silent for a moment, as he directed his attention to the house, surveying their parametres to ensure that they were not being watched. Upon concluding that they were alone, and that the car windows were closed, he inhaled a sharp breath.

Turning towards her once again, he asked, “What? Where is this coming from, Lara Jean?”

“I know that Margot asked you to take her back, and that you said no. Was it because of me? Because I - I need to know.”

“Why does it matter? You don’t like me anyway.”

“That’s not why I’m asking. It’s about Margot, but it’s also about us. I realise that when I started fake dating Peter, I pushed you out of my life. I mean, I don’t even know who I was when I was with Peter. It’s like at some point he became my whole life, and I’m so sorry I forgot about who I was without him.”

Josh shook his head, “You know, Lara Jean, you keep making excuses not to be with him. But you sure do talk about him a lot.”

“What? No I don’t. I’m over him.”

Josh guffawed, “You keep saying that, but why are we still talking about him?”

“It’s just...relationships are like math, okay?”

“Come again?”

“You start with one equation, and you adjust every variable to it.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Peter was my first relationship, yes?”

Josh nodded.

“Right, and we both made some mistakes. Which compile into a list of things I  _ won’t do _ in my next relationship.”

“I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that. Every relationship is different, Lara Jean. You can’t categorise them into formulas. Not everything is comparable. Remind me how any of this is relevant to us?”

“Forget it. I just think that we never really got to talk about our feelings, and moving forward, we should do that.”

“I agree, but you go first.”

“Why do I have to start?”

She dreaded being in this position, of having to say something with no clear idea of how the other person would respond.

“Well, a good way to stop running away from your emotions is to approach the conversation,” he suggested.

“Fine,” she rolled her eyes. 

He did raise a valid point.

“I wrote that letter to you months ago, and was horrified to learn that they were sent out. Effectively, I started spending more time with Peter to avoid ever having this discussion. Partly out of fear, because I wasn’t sure of how you would react to reading the letter, but it also didn’t matter because you belonged to Margot.”

“Even though we had broken up,” he reminded her.

“Yes, but everyone knows that you can’t date your sister’s ex-boyfriend.”

“Why don’t I get to have a say in this? I liked you too, Lara Jean.”

“Then why did you pick Margot?”

“Because I knew she liked me. Margot doesn’t hide how she feels, and once I was convinced that I didn’t have a chance with you, I started seeing her.”

“And from that moment on, this was off the table.”

“I don’t see why. If two people like each other, don’t they owe it to each other to try and make it work?”

“Not if it means hurting someone else.”

“What about hurting yourself?”

He gazed at her with a curiosity that she had seen too many times before, in other men. In movies and on television, the careful approach of a man bewitched. 

Josh’s green eyes studied her face, from her hair to her nose, eventually settling on her lips. He tilted his head slightly, dipping towards her.

“Josh-” she started before he drew any closer to her.

He retreated, in both shock and confusion.

“Look, I dreamt of something like this for so long,” she explained. “Before the letter got out, I used to fantasise about running towards you in the middle of an Edwardian field. But I realised something just now-”

His eyes darkened, “It’s about Margot.”

“No, it’s not. I realise that I can’t be with someone who doesn’t understand how much my family means to me. About how much I’m willing to do for them. You came to me, without hesitation, not long after Margot broke up with you.”

“Yes, because I received a letter in which you professed your love to me!” he exclaimed, directing his hands in passion. “What was I supposed to do? Ignore it?”

“No, but when you wanted to be with me, it’s like you forgot about Margot.”

He lowered his voice, “I didn’t forget about her. It’s because I love you.”

Now she was the one examining him, as he lowered his hands. His attention was fixated wholly on her, surrendering to her. And all she could mouth was, “What?”

“Margot was great, but you were always my favourite,” he halfheartedly smiled. “Of course I was devastated when Margot left for Scotland, but part of me wasn’t surprised. When I was with her - there would be times when I felt like I was in a constant trance. Like I was competing in a marathon just to catch up with her. Not because she was a year older, but because she expected so much from everyone. And nothing I did ever felt like it was enough.”

Lara Jean nodded. “She did so much for Kitty and I after mom died. For dad too. I think having to do that when you’re so young builds up a lot of pressure. That’s why she needed to go to Scotland, so she could do something for herself.”

“Yeah, and I’m happy for her. But that kind of energy isn’t healthy in a relationship. Margot was always so busy and yet so alone.”

Lara Jean was surprised to discover that her sister hadn’t been very open about her feeling with Josh either.

“It almost felt like dating a robot,” he smirked. “She hid so much.”

“Maybe she just didn’t have time for feelings.”

“Maybe.”

They sighed.

“So, did you love Margot?” Lara Jean asked.

“I did, but it was different. How I felt about you was stronger. You and I were best friends, and even though you didn’t open up to most people, I felt like I knew you. Which is why I felt so blindsided with the Kavinsky situation.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Yeah, I’m glad we got past that. I missed spending time with you.”

“Me too. The house almost didn’t feel the same without you.”

They smiled at each other.

“You still haven’t given me an answer,” Josh said.

“Sorry, I don’t know. Chemistry is a strange thing to explain. It used to be there, with us. Between Margot leaving and dating Peter, I think it disappeared. I love our friendship, and I wouldn’t want to lose this again either, so I think I can say that we’re in a good place right now. I just want to stay here.”

“Okay,” he said. “You should probably get inside, I’m sure Kitty’s worrying about you.”

“Oh no, I’m sure she’s invented an interesting story about us ditching her to go out to a restaurant or the beach. But I’ll see you tomorrow?”

He nodded, waving at her before sprinting into the house next door.

…

After weeks of reassessing their conversation and scolding herself, Lara Jean finally built up the courage to text Peter.

**Meet me tomorrow at the cafe?**


	13. Radio Gaga (There Will Be Consequences)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All in the name of Queen and honesty. Lara Jean's fantasies blow up in her face. Peter spills his truth, while a party gets more than a little messy.

“And what will you be having?” the waitress asked him.

Peter shook his head, “Sorry, I’m still waiting for someone. But if she doesn’t come in within the next few minutes, I promise I won’t waste any more of your time.”

She gave him a sympathetic smile, “It’s not every day that a boy like you gets stood up. It’s her loss.”

He winced as the woman walked away. _A boy like me?_ It was comical to him how someone who had scarcely talked to him for a few moments had formed such a strong opinion about him. _Was this how Mr. Darcy felt when women only wanted to marry him for his wealth?_

As he contemplated the idea, Lara Jean entered the café.

“How timely of you,” Peter remarked.

“I’m so sorry,” she apologised. “I was having trouble finding a place to park.”

The waitress saved him the trouble of excusing her, and took their orders. However once she left, it was quiet again.

After a few moments, Peter broke the silence.

“You wanted to see me?” he asked.

“Yeah, I did. There’s so much to say-”

“Can it be quick?”

He needed to pick up Owen from soccer practice, submit an essay for English, and help Gen deal with some personal issues. Time was valuable, and he had already spent fifteen minutes waiting for Lara Jean.

She misread his frustration for detest, “I’m not trying to waste your time, I just came here to say that I’m sorry. I messed up, I hurt you, and I want to change that.”

“You can’t undo the pain,” he said, thanking the waiter who served them their milkshakes.

“And I get that, but Peter I miss you. Breaking up was a mistake, and it was my fault. I kept making up all these reasons for us not to be together, when all I needed was you.”

“Woah woah woah, hold on. What?”

“I want us to get back together.”

“Why? You never seemed to be that happy when you were _with_ me.”

“Because it’s you Peter, it’s always been you.”

He stared at her, furrowing his brows. “What on earth does that mean?”

She shrugged, “It means that out of all the boys, you’re the one.”

Peter blinked slowly, unfazed by her usual vagueness. Sometimes he wondered if Lara Jean was in another universe, because too often it seemed that she made no sense.

Tired, he responded, “No, none of that romcom nonsense. When I said I needed some space, we didn’t talk for what - a week? And you told me that you had no problem living without me. It’s been over a month since then, since we’ve talked, and now you want me back? I don’t get it, Lara Jean. What is it that you want?”

“I want you.”

“And what does that mean? What is it about me that you miss? I need you to be clear.”

She preoccupied herself with her drink, and he could tell that she was buying time for an answer.

“It shouldn’t be that difficult to give me a reason,” he whispered. “Surely you must like _something_ about me.”

“I just miss being with you,” she said. “You’re different.”

He sniffed, “That would describe a lot of people. I find it strange that none of those excuses you made to leave me would matter anymore. Is John not treating you well? Is that why you came back to me?”

“I’m not dating John!” she piped.

“Yeah, I’m sure Kitty feels the same way.”

Her face changed from protest to confusion. “I never thought about being with anyone else.”

**“Yeah, maybe that’s the problem. You’ve always been stuck in some kind of fantasy, and I felt like an imposition - like I was always your second choice. Always waiting for you to choose me. The truth is, you never decided how you felt about any of the others because you couldn’t handle the disappointment. That none of them are perfect, because no one is.”**

Peter’s last words remained with her, as he hurried away to his life. Lara Jean reflected on them with the passing days and weeks, in every encounter she had. She asked seniors in the old home about what they thought love looked like, and sat for hours with Stormy - John’s grandmother - talking about why relationships failed. Eventually she would come to accept that she had truly been wrong, but by that time, Peter would have moved on to another girl.

…

“Are you ready?” John asked.

Lara Jean nodded, joining Kitty and John in the car. They had both fussed over her look for hours, deciding on a teal dress with silver accents and a high skirt. She wore her hair down, and Kitty had curled the ends in a ‘60s fashion. She wanted it be a night to remember.

They had been raising awareness about the stigma against mental health issues all term, and options for treatment. Their head organisation held an annual party in May, and invited the entire community. All the proceeds went to the local hospital.

Mr. Covey had promised to join them after his on-call, and because they had to arrive early, John didn’t mind driving. However, once they entered the hall, they were surprised by the large attendance. Kitty soon dispersed into a crowd of friends, leaving Lara Jean to her shift at one of the stalls in the reception area. From a distance she could see Peter’s mother, and was taken aback, turning her attention to John.

“This feels like a school reunion,” she whispered.

“That’s good,” John said. “The more it gets people talking, the better. We need to be able to have these conversations.”

“But these people are only here to dress up and look fancy. They don’t care about the cause.”

“What makes you say that?”

Lara Jean nodded in the direction of Peter and the girl wrapped in his arms. She had long, dark brown hair, and a natural tan. Lara Jean recognised her a Priya, rumoured to be Peter’s new girlfriend.

“He only brought her here to show off,” she said. “Peter’s never cared about doing something for the greater good.”

“People can change,” John said.

“Not in a month.”

“You did, so why can’t he?”

She sighed. Lara Jean had overlooked John’s sheer optimism, and realised that he never spoke ill of anyone. He truly believed that everyone here was trying to make a difference. Perhaps Peter had been right, she had spent too much time inventing images of boys in her head, that she missed them completely.

“Why does it matter why they’re here?” John continued. “Unless you want Peter back.”

Lara Jean observed him in consternation, memorising his bright blue eyes and earnest gaze.

She shook her head, “That’s not it. I just want people to care about this as much as we do.”

“That’s exactly why we’re here,” he reminded her, pointing to their sign. “To educate and enumerate.”

“Do you think it’s enough?”

“Only if we’ve done all that we can. At the end of the day, all that matters is that we try.”

“Then come with me,” she said, pulling him out of his seat.

…

There had been a few other tasks that they had needed to complete, and were relieved to find their reserved dinner table empty after.

“There’s something I have to tell you,” Lara Jean said.

“Me too,” John replied.

She rested her hand of his shoulder, as she faced him.

“John, my mind has been so scattered these past few months. Everything with Peter had been so confusing - and I’m sorry for involving you in it. I assure you that was not my intention.”

“I know,” he said. “You don’t need to apologise.”

“But I do. When I wrote those letters, I had these perfect ideas about what all of you would be like. I projected those onto you, but none of that was real.” She brazed her hand against the arm of his grey suit. “This is real.”

“Lara Jean-”

“Just let me finish. I know you wanted to make up for lost time, and this feels like our eighth grade formal. Why don’t we just start over?”

She drew into him, and could feel his breath on her face, casting a shadow over her.

“No,” she heard him say. “I can’t do this.”

He pulled away from her, shaking his head. “Surely you must know that Josh loves you.”

“What?” two voices cried behind them.

There stood Peter and Josh, both agape with horror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up Next: More consequences, as the boys reveal an inner scheme.


	14. Love is a Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Peter confront Lara Jean about her charades, revealing news of their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while, and I apologise for the delay. This chapter has been a difficult one to write, and I hope this remedies your frustrations about Lara Jean. Your thoughts and feedback are always welcome, and I hope that you're all well. Happy reading!

“It’s true,” he said, glancing at Josh and Peter. “They love you, and you know  **_that_ ** .”

Her hands slid away from his body in shock, with the smell of fresh Virginia rose leaving traces on his sleeve. It felt familiar, like the field she ran through that day they had reunited. Everything had been so content and free in those woods, but he knew that was only temporary. 

The memories that permeated in his mind would follow with chaos, something that seemed to ensue from the romance of the situation. And while he had seen a side to her that no one else knew, he wondered if that too, would change.

John wasn’t sure if it was the intensity of his words or the curiosity that propelled her, as she turned to face the others.

“You still love me?” she breathed.

The question lifted him from his inquiry, diverting his attention to Peter, who was studying his gaze. Perhaps their intimacy bothered the boy, he figured, consciously stepping away from Lara Jean.

Josh did the opposite, breaking the silence.

“How could that possibly come as a surprise to you?” he asked her. “We literally had that conversation a month ago.”

Hard lines immediately formed across Peter’s forehead, and he slapped Josh’s arm without thinking. 

“Dude, what conversation?” he hissed. In a whisper, he added, “That wasn’t part of the plan.”

However, the words came out too harsh, as Lara Jean tilted her head towards him.

“What plan?” she asked. “What’s going on?”

...

It had been Peter’s idea, she soon discovered.

“We were just  _ tired  _ of competing for you,” he said, taking a sip of his cranberry juice.

There was a distinct regret that could be felt from across the table, which stretched out further as he explained their predicament. It was no different than their last exchange.

She rested her head against John’s shoulder as Peter detailed his despair. His touch as her only reassurance, with each word setting her into a deeper bout of shame. 

Meanwhile, Josh slouched into his chair, eyeing the two vacant seats beside him. They had been reserved for Chris and Lucas, whenever they decided to join the party.

John was quiet to her left, running his hands in a clockwise motion against Lara Jean’s back. Distraction had allowed him to cope with his anxiety through the years, from fidget spinners to verbal exercises that he created in his head. Perhaps it was a bizarre technique to show her his support, but Lara Jean knew better than to judge him. 

They had grown together over the past several months, working with the organisation and at his grandmother’s old home. His panic attacks were no longer a secret to her, and her insecurities were no longer guarded from him.

It was that same understanding that let her know that his constant tapping was an indication that he was running through his lines for the speech he was scheduled to give about the mental healthcare system that evening.

Her attention returned to Peter, as he continued. “Sometimes it felt like we were in a game. And we didn’t want to play anymore. Love shouldn’t be about that, so we decided to call it a truce.”

“I’m so sorry,” she muffled. “How long have you felt this way?”

“A couple of months,” Peter said.

“More like a year,” Josh corrected him. “It took a while to figure that out we were in the Matrix.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Lara Jean asked, ignoring his reference.

“I did,” Peter reminded her. “But you kept on insisting that it was nothing. That John was just a friend, and how you felt nothing for Josh.”

Josh flinched at this before adding, “Which is why we’re no longer going to be chasing you.”

Her lips parted as she began to speak, and even John realised that she had not considered the gravity of what she had done.

“I’m sorry,” she sniffed. “I just didn’t realise I was being chased.”

All three of them looked at her, dumbfounded. 

“I was practically begging for you to take me back,” Peter croaked. “How was that not clear enough? Do you think I like to read? That I like buying bouquets of flowers for a girl? Or that it’s easy to change, or try to understand someone else’s perspective when they give you every reason to walk away?”

She shook her head, “No, of course not. I just found it hard to believe that any of that was real.”

“Why?” they asked.

Lara Jean met Peter’s gaze, “You’re the most popular guy in our school. People care about what you do, who you’re with. Every girl wants to hook up with you, to take you to parties. And then there’s Gen, who you dated for years, and still isn’t over you. How am I supposed to compete with that?”

“You weren’t supposed to compete,” he said. “I wanted to be with you, all you had to say was yes.”

“How was I supposed to do that when you spent all your time with your ex-girlfriend?”

“I told you, she’s going through something. When you’re with someone for that long, you’re not just dating them, you also become friends. And she needs me right now.”

“And what about me?”

Josh and Peter were unsure of how to respond, but this only defeated her more.

Lara Jean sighed, “You know what? Forget what I just said, I’m sorry. I don’t know how to be loved, okay? This is all new to me. I’ve never had a guy who was just a friend, who I didn’t have feelings for. Thank you for coming tonight.”

She turned to leave, but Peter stood up and blocked her.

“We’re going to talk about this,” he said. “You can’t run away forever.”

Lara Jean relented, as he occupied the seat to her right.

“We never had a chance,” she finally decided, after taking a moment to think.

“Why not?” Peter asked, looking at her inquisitively. 

His eyes were studious, waiting to call her bluff if the moment arrived. She knew he hadn’t bought any of her excuses, and took a deep breath before trying to explain her fear.

“I didn’t know myself when I was with you,” she sighed. “I spent so much time worrying about Gen, and whether I was pretty enough to go out with you. And I know how dumb that sounds, but it’s true. We could argue about our mistakes for days, but to be honest with you, I just don’t know how to deal with these things. My mother isn’t here to tell me what to do, and Margot’s so far away that it’s the same as not having her at all.”

He was going to interrupt her, but the last part of her explanation surprised him.

“None of that exempts me from blame,” she said. “I needed space to figure things out, to know what John meant to me. You had every right to be jealous, and I understand that you moved on. I don’t expect either of you to forgive me, but please know that I am sorry. Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do, because I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for all your wonderful comments, subscriptions, and bookmarks. You are the lights of my life. Please give this a kudos and let me know what you think of this chapter! If you'd like to be friends, you can find me on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/celestial_holmes/).


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